My Neighbor Wants to Have Sex with Me

I keep telling myself I should have a lesbian fling (because you only live once), but I never get around to it and just don’t ever feel like it. I remember once, I was with a group of really cool actors in a closed off room at a bar. We started talking about sex while lounging on big purple velvet couches and sipping martinis. As it turned out, I was the only person there who had never been in an orgy, fucked someone on a plane, had anal sex, or made out with a woman. I felt so boring!

So yeah, I guess I’m not that sexually adventurous. A few opportunities have come my way, but I always passed them up. Practically out of sheer laziness. I figure, if I ever make love with a woman, it would have to be with Angelina Jolie. There’s really no other woman I would consider, but you never know. There was a show on OPRAH recently about straight women who thought they would never go for a woman, but then surprised themselves by falling in love with a lesbian who, for various reasons, proved to be the exception, the special one who made them switch teams. The affairs would go on for a year or so and then the straight woman would back to being straight. Hmm. Interesting.

So anyway, I’m writing all this because I recently had the following conversation with my friend Sara while we were on our way to I-Hop for breakfast:

Sara (out of nowhere): So, are you a dyke?

Me: No, but everyone thinks I am. I don’t care.

Sara: I’m not a dyke, but I’ve done certain things.

Me: Like what?

Sara: I’ve fooled around with women.

Me: Oh, well that’s not unusal. Most people experiment.

Sara: Do you?

Me: Nah. I never did. But I don’t judge people who do.

Sara: So you wouldn’t want to fool around then?

Me: Not really.

Sara: Have I offended you?

Me: No! Not at all. It’s very flattering actually.

Sara: I fool around with my best friend from high school and her husband at their house in Plainfield. I tried to get my husband to join us, but he won’t do it. He’s very conservative.

Mr: Hmm.

Sara: So, you wouldn’t want to do anything like that?

Me: No. But I’m not judging you, don’t worry.

Then I promised I’d take her to a lesbian bar on condition that we also go to a gay men’s bar because the music’s better over there.