Worst Christmas Ever

This hasn’t been the best holiday season. Earlier this month, my shrink increased the dosage to one of my antidepressants because I had to go off a mood stabilizer that was making me have involuntary facials tics. Apparently, increasing the strength of the antidepressant Lamictal can make it also serve as a mood stabilizer. This was in early December that we made this change.

I was going from 100 mg to 200 mg of Lamictal per day. I could have sworn my shrink said take two tablets of 100 mgs each at night. I didn’t bother looking at the bottle so I didn’t see that each pill was already 200 mg and that by taking two at a time, I was taking a dangerously high amount of 400 mg.

This went on for a couple weeks. I felt fine and didn’t notice anything wrong. Then, I went to a seafood buffet restaurant with my father. After eating an oyster, my face felt all itchy and irritated so I went to the women’s room. I looked in the mirror and saw that my face was starting to break out with these funny bumps on my chin, cheek, and forehead.

I attributed the breakout to the oyster and immediately came to the conclusion that I was having an allergic reaction. Lots of people have allergies to shellfish and I assumed that I was now one of them.

Days went by and the irritation subsided. I just made sure never to scratch my face. I almost forgot about it, but then the irritation came back with a vengeance and my face was so itchy one night, I couldn’t even get any sleep. The following day, the itching was gone, but my face felt hot and irritated – as if it were sunburned. I made an appointment with a dermatologist, convinced I had rosacea.

That same day, I went to the pharmacy to pick up my new prescription. The pharmacist told me I wouldn’t be able to pick up any more Lamictal until January 7 because I’d already used up my quota. I was totally confused and after some discussion, we realized that this whole time I’d been double-dosing. So that explains the facial irritation. I was lucky that’s all it was.

To make a long story short, that night I went to the emergency room and explained to them that I’d been unknowingly overdosing on Lamictal for at least two weeks. They took an EKG, blood test, urine test, etc. It was all very speedy and efficient and the next thing I knew, they were sending me home with a prescription for Prednisone and Famotidine.

This was on the 22^nd of December. Since then, I haven’t been on anything except for a low dose of Wellbutrin to help me quit smoking and Seroquel to fall asleep. No mood stabilizer. No antidepressant. This is the least medicated I’ve been in years.

Christmas was horrible. I was supposed to spend it with my father at his house, but being there depressed me so much because of all the memories associated with that house. After two and a half days, I fled and went back to my apartment. This was on Christmas.

I’ve been hibernating ever since. My face is back to normal now, but I feel such despair and hopelessness about my future. I’m scared shitless. I’m angry at myself for all the foolish choices I’ve made. Or else I’m ashamed of myself for all the hurtful things I’ve done. I don’t have any faith in myself and feel this intense rage at people who have either hurt me, let me down, or betrayed me. I feel such harsh judgment upon myself and others for our shortcomings. The condemnation is unbearable.

All these thoughts are going around and around in my head and I can’t stop it. And while all this is going on, I have tremendous anxiety about my finances. As always, I’m having financial difficulties. I have absolutely no idea how I’ll pay the bills next month.

Tonight, my friend Diana is coming over to watch some movies. So maybe that will help. I try to be hopeful but it doesn’t ever seem to help when I turn to my female friends for solace. We all just seem so hopelessly fucked up. It’s depressing. On CNN a couple weeks ago, some talking head divulged that in America, one in four women is on some kind of antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication. But only one in seven men is on the same. Almost half as many.

NOTE: Just got a text message from Diana. She cannot come over because – surprise surprise – she’s not feeling up to it. Whatever.

Anyway, I already talked about why women are so much more fucked up than men and how it has to do with the way we’ve been raised. There’s plenty of research on this. It's well documented. It's even demonstrated in my recent entry about my teaching experiences at an all-girls Catholic school. Little girls get babied too much by their parents and don’t learn to take action and solve their own problems. Little boys are treated differently and learn very early to control their environment and stop whining. That’s it in a nutshell. It’s really that simple and that destructive.

I hate how even though I understand everything very well, I still cannot solve my problems.