I Can't Stop Staring at Her: A Kate Moss Retrospective

The Contents of My Purse ...

1. iPhone

2. Condoms in case I want to have sex with someone

3. Marc Jacobs silver wallet (gift from me)

4. Marc Jacobs compact mirror in the shape of a heart (gift from my friend Michael)

5. Marc Jacobs miniature umbrella (pink paisley pattern) (another gift from me)

6. Pack of American Spirit Cigarettes (yes, I've resumed smoking)

7. Set of keys on George Michael Faith Tour brass keychain

8. Extra compact mirror that I ordered from a cute boutique in Soho

9. Lipstick and lipliner

10. Hairbrush

11. Tampon

12. Filter for my pot pipe

13. Car keys

14. Notary stamp for work

15. Black ballpoint pen

16. Public transportation train pass

17. Card from my shrink reminding me of tomorrow's appointment

18. Magnet from my dog's veterinarian's office

19. Lighter

20. Earphones

21. Extra contact lens

22. Matches

Make It Right

Believe it or not, New Orleans is still recovering from Hurricane Katrina four years ago. Enter Brad Pitt and his Make It Right home rebuilding project. Employing cutting-edge, revolutionary architects from all over the world, MIR will build 150 homes in the devastated area of the Ninth District which was hit the hardest. The homes are all green and include features such as insulated low emission window glass that block UV rays; hyperinsulation; solar panels that generate enough electricity to power all lights, appliances and central air conditioning systems; and metal roofing that absorb less heat. The abodes also have porches to encourage a sense of community and are built on stilts should the levy break. There is even a computerized playground made of sustainable materials (I don’t really know what the “computerized” part really means, except that is has something to do with children being able to program their own games – wild!). Tourists are already flocking to the sites which are still in the early stages (only a handful of the homes are finished and inhabited). So cool…

Hottie of the Week: Devon Aoki

December Song

Last year when George Michael came out with this song and offered it for free download on his website, my reaction was: "Ehn." But I'm really liking it this time around and the video is just lovely. Hopefully this is a sign of things to come and a new album will be in the not so distant future.

Ted Gibson

Isn’t he cute? He is the hair stylist of the moment and, if he keeps it up, the hairstylist of many years to come. I don’t know him personally but my best friend, who is gay, had sex with him two years ago while he was taking a short vacation in Manhattan. They met at the so-hip-it-hurts homo hangout, Therapy, on West 52nd Street. Therapy is a converted whorehouse that boasts a bilevel lounge made up entirely of natural materials (read: wood). I visited their website and the décor is like a spa, but with disco music and martinis. So cool!

I don’t know everything they talked about at the bar, but they did chat about Maria Callas, Ayn Rand, and the films of Igmar Bergman. Anyway, that hardly matters because soon Ted Gibson was naked in my friend’s room at the Edison Hotel in MidTown. Gibson revealed that he was a hairstylist to the stars and oh-so-casually mentioned that his clientele includes the likes of Uma Thurman and Anne Hathaway (see picture). Last year he did Angelina Jolie’s hair for the Oscars. But he talked a lot about Anne Hathaway so it’s no surprise that when I Googled him, this was the first picture to come up.

Not surprisingly, Gibson charges $975 per cut, plus airfare, because he’s based in Washington D.C. and flying out to L.A. at the last minute ain’t cheap. Also, he just launched his own brand of haircare products that are sold at Target (wow!). If he hasn’t already, I would imagine that very soon he will be beautifying The First Lady Herself as he works out of our country’s capital. I’m sure he’s very good at straightening and styling African tresses for obvious reasons. Maybe he even started out practicing on his little sister, just like the late Kevin Aucoin did with his!

Anyway, my best friend had a wonderful night with Monsieur Gibson who is decently hung and perfectly satisfactory in the sack. My best friend, who is of Hungarian and Czechoslovakian descent, made the decision back in the early 90s to only sleep with black men, but that’s a whole other story.

Best wishes Ted Gibson!

Museum

Sarah Palin Fans Attempt to Explain Why They Like Her (and fail miserably)

One Month Later She Was Dead: Daul Kim

Daul Kim: Model, muse to Karl Lagerfeld, the Korean Kate Moss. Found dead in her Paris apartment located in the hip 10th Arondissement. The twenty-year-old had apparently committed suicide by hanging. The French police, however, are not ruling out other possibilities and have not completed their investigation. There is much soul-searching in the fashion industry as designers, stylists, photographers and fellow models try to understand what went wrong. Rumors abound. She was depressed. Overworked. Disenchanted. Murdered by her boyfriend with whom she had a tumultuous relationship (he is still being questioned by the authorities). Her blog, iliketoforkmyself.blogspot.com is closed down to the public and is being studied by investigators trying to ascertain exactly what happened during her last months. Stay tuned.

Meanwhile … Roman Polanski has been freed on $4.5 million bail and is currently under house arrest with electronic monitoring at his Swiss chalet. This will impede extradition indefinitely and many legal experts ponder why he was even offered bail in the first place as he is an international fugitive of the law. Will keep you posted.

Michael Bloomberg for President in 2012?

With President Obama’s popularity rating at an all-time low and with Sarah Palin being a possible 2012 presidential contender for the Republicans, I have, understandably, become completely disenchanted with both parties. Obama and Palin are flip sides of the same coin: charismatic yet inexperienced. Telegenic symbols. Time for some third-party action. So far, I’m interested in Michael Bloomberg. Here are some facts.

1. Michael Bloomberg is worth $16 billion, making him one of the wealthiest individuals on the planet. He is the founder of Bloomberg LLC, a financial software company. Should he decide to run in 2012, he would not be beholden to special interest groups as he could easily fund his own campaigns.

2. A lifelong Democrat, Bloomberg switched to the Republican party when he ran, successfully, for mayor of New York City. In 2008 he left the Republican party to become an independent.

3. Michael Bloomberg has chosen to receive only a $1.00 per year salary for his services as New York City’s mayor.

4. Michael Bloomberg’s telephone number is listed in the phonebook and he resides in his own home in Manhattan’s Upper East Side, rather than the official mayor’s mansion.

5. Michael Bloomberg is fiscally conservative. He favors tax breaks for corporations, is for free trade, and is against protectionism. He has met friction from local unions. He has also ended NYC’s $6 billion deficit.

6. Michael Bloomberg’s extensive philanthropy is legendary. He donated more than $300 million to his alma mater John Hopkins University in addition to hefty donations to the World Health Organization, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Carnegie Corporation, and the World Lung Foundation. In partnership with Bill Gates, he has donated $500 million to aid government in developing countries.

7. Michael Bloomberg received his MBA from Harvard. He also has an electrical engineering degree from John Hopkins University.

8. Michael Bloomberg has received numerous honorary degrees and awards from institutions such as Tufts University, Bard College, Yale School of Management, and the University of Pennsylvania.

9. Michael Bloomberg is noted for his creative programs and policies which promote access to healthy foods and local grocery stores in lower income neighborhoods, fight diabetes and HIV, and foster efficiency in hospital medical records, He also supports the New York City Health and Hospital Corporation which provides healthcare to more than 1.3 million New Yorkers. His program, Opportunity NYC, focuses on breaking the cycle of poverty through the country’s first ever conditional cash transfer program.

10. Michael Bloomberg is a staunch supporter of abortion rights.

11. Michael Bloomberg supports gay marriage.

12. Michael Bloomberg supports gun control.

13. Michael Bloomberg supports the U.S. Patriot Act.

14. Michael Bloomberg opposes a timeline withdrawal from Iraq.

15. Michael Bloomberg opposes the death penalty.

16. Michael Bloomberg supports government involvement in stopping climate change and has created initiatives for his city to fight global warming. At the C40 Large Cities Climate Summit he addressed the need for lower carbon monoxide emissions, cleaner fuels, and better use of public transportation.

17. Michael Bloomberg gave NYC school teachers a 15% raise. Under his watch, student test scores and graduation rates rose as well.

18. Michael Bloomberg is concerned about the widening gap between rich and poor, stating that it will impede the country’s ability to more forward.

19. Michael Bloomberg believes in offering illegal aliens citizenship. He also supports federal ID databases using fingerprint and DNA technology.

20. Michael Bloomberg denies he will run for New York state governor in 2010 (setting his sights higher?).

One Problem: Michael Bloomberg is Jewish, which will make relations with the Middle East awkward at best.

Last's Nights Saturday Night Live Episode

I haven’t watched SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE in ages because, well, it hasn’t been funny in ages. But last night’s show was incredible. Has SNL just gotten really good recently? Have I been missing out? I guess I’ll have to resume watching. Anyway, here’s to clips from last night’s program with the endlessly talented Joseph Gordon Levitt as host.

Sarah Palin Press Conference

Journalist #1: So, Ms. Palin, can I ask what your opinion is of The Bush Doctrine?

SARAH PALIN: Unfair! That's a "gotcha" question. Don't be so mean!

Journalist #2: Ms. Palin, what newspapers do you read?

SARAH PALIN: What?! Are you kidding me? Stop badgering me!

Journalist #1: But these are normal questions...

SARAH PALIN: No they are not. You are a part of the mainstream media that is out to get me.

Journalist #2: But we're just trying to do our job ...

SARAH PALIN: The only journalists who are doing their job, as far as I'm concerned, is FOX news. Now go away. And leave my book alone.

As a Side Note: Palin's "book" is titled "Going Rogue" which is also British slang for having unprotected anal sex.

How to Appear Smart

1. Speak in double negatives. EXAMPLE: “This blog posting is not unlike a David Letterman Top 10 list.” “Sarah Palin’s situation right now is not dissimilar to that of dethrowned beauty queen Carrie Prejean.”

2. Wear purple. Studies show that for some reason, people connect this color to intelligence.

3. Talk about international global affairs. This is not as hard as it seems. Just scan the New York Times website, pick a country, then spout off only one fact – that’s all it takes. Don’t bother with local news or national politics because it’s not as impressive and the potential for offending someone is too risky. EXAMPLE: “How on earth will 300,000 ethnic minority Tamils be resettled once the civil war in Sri Lanka is over? This is very disconcerting, don’t you think?” Chances are, the person you are speaking to will have no idea what you are talking about, so the conversation ends there.

4. Similarly, make people think you watch serious programs like STATE OF THE NATION and have a subscription to respected news magazines like THE ECONOMIST. Again, just weave it into the conversation. EXAMPLE: “I found Farid Zacharia’s analysis of Iran’s nuclear capability to be not unlike the analysis in last month’s ECONOMIST.” (Note: This is a 3 in 1 example – double negative, international affairs, and the casual dropping of a highly respected news source. This may be too challenging for novice bullshitters, but believe me, it gets easier with practice.)

5. A good rule of thumb is that when you’re really, really lost, keep quiet.

6. Wear glasses. Duh.

7. Get a Blackberry.

8. Talk about books. No, you don’t have to actually read them silly. Just go to Amazon, plug in a search of any book in the New York Times best-seller list, read the summary and five or six comments. That’ll give you a pretty good gist of what the book is about, as well as some informed opinions that you can adopt as your own. Then, as always, weave into conversation. But do not claim to have finished the book. Just casually mention it’s a book you’re just starting to read so that the conversation doesn’t get too in-depth. EXAMPLE: “Well I’ve finally gotten around to FREAKONOMICS by Stephen Dubner and Steven Levitt. I would have started sooner, but I had to finish my taxes first. So far it’s fairly interesting, if not quasi-scientific.” Follow this up with only one anecdote: “But I liked his explanation of why so many drug dealers still live with their mothers.” This last part is easy to understand because so many of the reviews on Amazon explain this very theory since it’s one of the more entertaining tidbits. In fact, maybe you want to actually go out and buy this book yourself. Sometimes that happens – superficial beginnings leading to authentic endeavors.

9. Adopt an English accent.

10. If you’re from the South, get yourself a speech coach and adopt a Midwestern accent.

11. Watch movies about the classics, then claim to have read the book. Very, very easy to do. And there are so many good adaptations to choose from: Wuthering Heights, Great Expectations, Emma, Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Jane Eyre … Who needs Cliff’s Notes?

12. Actually learn about Global Warming and climate change. This is the one time you really have to do your homework as this is such an important issue and something that frequently comes up in conversation. And not difficult to wrap your brain around at all – simply rent the Al Gore DVD AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH.

13. Tell people you only eat organic and shop at WholeFoods.

14. Learn about one thing very thoroughly and bring it up as much as possible. Your specialty can be anything. In fact, the more obscure, the better. Possible subjects include the humpback whale, the Kennedy-Nixon 1960 Presidential Debates , the Tet Offensive, the reproductive habits of the tse-tse fly, Margaret Mead, origami, Zionism, the history of bread ... Whatever you do, NEVER EVER TALK ABOUT ASTROLOGY. That’s intellectual suicide.

15. Walk around with a Grande Soy Latte Mocha Frappucino from Starbucks.

16. Know these words and use them: Neocon, aggregator, carte blanche, fait accopli, ennui, doppelganger, pork barrel spending, white space opportunity, talking points, diminishing returns, ubiquitous, realpolitik, Watergate, black faxes, viral marketing, postmodernism. Remember that the big words tend to fall into three general categories: politics, business, and foreign terminology.

17. Tell everyone your favorite filmmakers are the Coen Brothers.

18. Tell everyone your favorite artist is Damien Hirst.

19. Read THE NEW YORKER on the train. That is, read the cartoons and skip the actual articles.

20. Surround yourself with the right kind of people. Specifically, the dumber ones. As George W. Bush once said, “You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on.” Trust a pro.

Conservative Brenda and Sarah Palin "Reloaded"

Sorry it’s been so long since I last posted, but I was away for the weekend staying at this really charming B&B way out in the country. During this time I bought a cowgirl hat, took a long luxurious bath in a gigantic tub, went horsebackriding, and bought a bottle of hydrogen peroxide to induce my dog to vomit after he had eaten a piece of chocolate. So now I look fabulous, have sore thighs, and my dog is still alive.

I’d been to this B&B before and came back because, apart from allowing my dog, it’s run by this very sweet old lady named Brenda. Her home is packed with tchotchkes and curios and overstuffed couches as she used to own an antique store. There’s a new dog there, Rudy, who is a Chihuaha/Rat Terrier mix and is incredibly hyper and mischievous and tried, unsuccessfully, to get my dog to play with him. What’s especially nice is that Brenda serves the most wonderful breakfasts – vegetable omelettes, low fat muffins, farm fresh sausages, squeezed orange juice not from concentrate, eggs benedict with hollandaise sauce, etc. There’s nothing like waking up in an authentic Victorian home, ambling down the stairs, and seeing your food already abundantly laid out on the dining room table.

I spent a lot of my time simply watching cable television. On my last night there, Brenda joined me in the family room. We were watching CNN and Brenda informed me of her political views, of which I was previously ignorant (we had not talked politics the first time I was there). During breakfast the day before, I noticed that she likes to watch Fox News (the Murdoch-owned right-wing tabloid that masquerades as a news program). But she let me watch CNN, of course, as I was the guest. It wasn’t long before she was commenting on what she saw on the screen. At first I was irked because I really wanted to hear about Sarah Palin’s appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show. I’d missed it that morning because I’d slept in and regretted having missed it (as you will recall, I wrote about this several posts ago). Brenda’s comments became increasingly negative and shrill and after a while I gave up trying to listen around her and began listening to her. Here is the basic gist of our conversation:

Brenda: Oh, there they go, attacking her (Sarah Palin) again. I wish they would just leave her alone. The media is giving her such a hard time and she’s such a nice young woman too.

Me: I think they’re scrutinizing her more because she’s putting herself out there. She has a book to promote.

Brenda: But do they have to be so mean to her?

Me: Well, I don’t know if they’re being mean. They’re just asking her questions.

Brenda: They’re attacking her!

Me: But I think she wants to be out there. She’s getting attention isn’t she? People know her book is coming out. … Plus, I think she’s up to something. I think she wants her own tv show someday.

Brenda: This is why I don’t like CNN. I like Fox News.

Me: Hm.

Brenda: Yesterday they reported Michele Obama talking about their dog – that new dog they got. What is it, a … Portuguese Water Dog?

Me: Right, a Portuguese Water Dog.

Brenda: I’ve never heard of a dog like that. Anyway, she talking about how she could hear the dog barking in her daughter’s room. So I’m thinking, wait, that dog is running around the White House? I mean, do we even know if it’s been potty trained yet?

Me: Well, dogs have always been in the White House. It’s almost a tradition. When George W. Bush was there, they had those Scottish terriers…

Brenda: But that’s different. Those were small *trained* dogs. They were already housebroken when they moved in there. This dog is still being trained. In the White House. Is that a good idea?

Me: I’m sure it’s fine.

Brenda: I don’t know. I just hope he’s not tearing up the place.

We go back to watching the television. They’re replaying the infamous news clip where anchorwoman Katie Couric asks Sarah Palin what newspapers and political magazines she reads.

Brenda: Oh that was unnecessary. I thought that was out of line.

Me: But that was a reasonable question. People want to know if she’s well informed or not.

Brenda: Of course she’s informed. She’s the Governor of Alaska.

Me: But didn’t it bother you that she didn’t even know what the Bush Doctrine was?

Brenda: Well, anybody put on the spot like she was …

Me: But the questions she is asked are normal questions. She should be answering them.

Brenda: She is answering them!

Me: No she's not. Not last year when she was on the campaign trail. She just repeated what McCain was saying, not even changing the sentences. Didn’t it bother you that she didn’t appear to even *understand* some of the questions?

Brenda: I think she’s good for the Republican party. I’m a Republican and I think she’s got something to say. I don’t like seeing her attacked like that.

Me: But she’s not being attacked.

Brenda: Oh yes she is. They never treated Hilary Clinton that way.

Me: Yes they did. But she had answers because she’d done her homework. She knows a lot. I mean, there’s no comparison. Sarah Palin didn’t even know what the Bush Doctrine was.

Brenda: Well, Sarah Palin is just as qualified as that Barack Obama. I don’t like him by the way. I think he’s steering this country in the wrong direction. You’ll see.

Me: Well, actually, the liberals have been complaining about him because so far he’s hasn’t done anything really differently from how George W. Bush would have done it.

Brenda: Like what?

Me: For one, he just sent in 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan.

Brenda: NO HE DIDN’T. NO HE DID NOT. Where did you hear that?

Me: It was on the Internet.

Brenda: He SAID he would send in more troops. But has he done it?

Me: I think so…

Brenda: NO HE HAS NOT. He said he would but he hasn’t.

Me: Well I would think you would be glad. You said yesterday that the War in Afghanistan was fruitless and that we should get out of there.

Brenda: (silence for a moment) And I don’t like what Obama’s doing to our healthcare. He should just leave it alone.

Me: But everyone agrees we should have an overhaul. Even the insurance companies.

Brenda: Overhaul yes, but not what he’s proposing. (contemptuously) Socialized medicine.

Me: Other countries have national health care plans. Canada, Europe. Are they all wrong?

Brenda: America’s different though. We’re not … we’re not built the same way. We have to go about things differently.

Me: But why? Why can’t we do what other rich countries are doing? I don’t have health insurance. A lot of people don’t.

Brenda: Well I do and I don’t like what he’s doing to my insurance. He’s taking MY insurance away. I’m happy with MY insurance. I don’t appreciate what he’s doing. and I know they’re not so happy in Canada. that’s why they’re coming here for their treatment.

Me: Who says they’re coming here? Why would they do that?

Brenda: I know they are. I’ve seen it.

Me: The Canadians are not coming to America for treatment.

Brenda: OH YES THEY ARE!

Me: Okay, there was that one woman, that one Canadian, but it turned out she was this crazy rich lady who wanted to be on television.

Brenda: THAT’S A BUNCH OF BALONEY. THEY’RE COMING OVER HERE ALRIGHT. (pause) And I don’t care about political correctness and all that other stuff. I’m not a Tea Party Member, but I don’t want big government. It’s communism is what it is. I DON’T EFFIN CARE WHAT THEY CALL IT, IT’S STILL COMMUNISM TO ME.

She pretty much went on and on like this for another 10 minutes or so. Then the Larry King show came on and former vice-president Al Gore was talking about climate change.

Brenda: (clearly become more irritated) Can we watch something else now? I don’t like this station.

So then I switched to DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES and we got really into it because 1) the show is really well written and 2) we just wanted to escape the previous conversation. Actually, she wanted to escape the conversation; I was still intrigued and somewhat frustrated that our lengthy debate did not shed any light into the workings of her mind. Why do conservatives think the way they do? Why are they always operating from a position of fear? Why do they distrust the government so much? I just don’t understand them and I truly wish I did. They’re fascinating yet inscrutable.

ADDENDUM: Saw the Sarah Palin Oprah Interview on Youtube when I got home from work. Rather unremarkable. Oprah was being carefully diplomatic while Sarah Palin gave her obviously rehearsed spin on everything. Predictably, they talked about “feelings” and not “issues” (as if, being a woman’s program, the audience could only appreciate feelings and not issues). So today, all the political blogs are having a field day dissecting her book “Going Rogue” and analyzing the interview. Here’s the basics:

1. The first thing Oprah asked Sarah Palin when they sat down was, Did she feel snubbed that she was not invited to the show last year during the campaign? Sara Palin replied, “No offense Oprah, but you weren’t the center of my universe.” Sounds really catty, right? That’s how all the blogs are portraying it. But my prurient curiosity was somewhat disappointed when I actually saw that moment. It was said with such gaiety and nonchalance that it effectively broke the ice from the get-go. Oprah seemed genuinely un-offended and warmed up to her right away. Darn.

2. On the McCain Campaign Staff: They kept telling her, “Stick to the script – don’t go rogue.” She said she found them stifling and that she felt “muzzled.” They told her how to act, think, talk, dress, eat (Atkins Diet) and she felt it hindered what she was really all about. Her own magic was not allowed to come through. “It was my fault for letting them control me as much as they did.” Hm. As if she would have any idea what to say about global affairs without them? She should be damn glad they told her what to say.

3. On her former son-in-law Levi Johnston who is going to pose nude for Playgirl magazine, Palin basically said it was unfortunate he chose the path of pornography but that he would still be invited to the Palin home for Thanksgiving since he is the father of her grandchild. (Levi Johnston, meanwhile, has told reporters that her marriage is on the verge of divorce and that Palin had referred to her Down’s Syndrome baby as “the retarded one.” He also claims to have a lot of dirt on Palin that he would not mind revealing should he be pushed against a wall. An irksome lad he is.)

4. On the infamous Katie Couric interview last year wherein Palin was unable to convincingly respond to Couric’s questioning of what newspapers and magazines she like to read, Palin referred to Couric as “that perky one” and likened her, in so many words, to a pesky fly that wouldn’t go away. Now, this was a totally missed opportunity for Oprah to show her up. All Oprah had to do was say, “Well, I think the unfortunate impression people got from that interview was that you don’t read at all, and that was not accurate. So I’m going to let you clear that up and tell us what you do read.” Then watch Palin flounder. But instead Oprah just nodded her head and went to the next question. Annoying.

My summation: Sarah Palin somewhat benefited from this appearance, but Oprah did not at all. Palin knew what to say to promote her book (I’m a working mom just like everyone in this audience, I’m plowing through the glass ceiling, etc.), but also sabotaged herself by whining and blaming everyone for her woes. Meanwhile, Oprah came off looking generic, predictable, and curiously languid. Clearly, she only consented to Palin’s appearance because she believed it would help her sagging ratings. And perhaps it did. But I was left wanting more. She went soft on Palin in a belated attempt to appear neutral, but the result of that was Palin was able to re-package herself to the world in less than an hour. As she said, “I’m not retreating -- I’m reloading.” But even the repackaging was uninteresting because it’s so focused on how “normal” Palin is. Who wants normality? The gun-toting, moose-killing, aerial wolf-shooting, pro-creationism, illiterate, hockey mom-cum-governor of Alaska was a lot more exciting. Before Palin was muzzled by McCain’s staffers; now she’s just muzzling herself.

All in all, a rather tepid show.

They Hate Each Other

Everybody loves a good catfight. It's just that some are more likely to admit it than others. I have no shame. Here are my favorites:

Pamela Anderson v. Jenny McArthy: I’d like to start with the most classic type of mutual hatred – blonde on blonde. This is a fairly straightforward, mundane example of cattiness. Two beautiful, leggy blondes of comparable age vying for iconic status in the American celebrity pantheon. There are numerous other hotties such Carmen Electra and whoever is in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, but none of them have the kind of broad, all-American aesthetic of the two blondes in question. The blondness is what is key. Of course, neither would ever acknowledge this animosity in public – although the Hollywood rags and blogs have all picked up on it anyway. It’s known. Meow Moment: When Pamela Anderson’s sex tape was leaked online for the whole world to see, Jenny McArthy smiled wickedly and said, “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.”

Madonna v. Jennifer Lopez: a slight variation on the blond on blond phenomena above, but this time it’s the pop diva slant. Again, they hate each other because they are so alike and neither is particularly fond of sharing the spotlight. Just as Pamela Anderson is several years older than Jenny McArthy, so is Madonna to the Jennifer Lopez. But the age gap for the latter is a whole generation, which makes the situation somewhat melancholy. It would be nice to see Madonna take the younger Lopez under her wing and support her as a fellow sister (as she had done with Britney Spears), but it doesn’t seem to be in the cards. Madonna may have felt threatened by Britney Spears’ reign on the charts, but she dealt with this potentially difficult situation very well by collaborating and singing on stage with her. She forced a friendship to prevent a conflict. The strategy shall not be repeated with Lopez, however, because unlike Spears, Lopez is not quite young enough to be Madonna’s daughter. So there’s none of that instinctual mothering and mentoring on Madonna’s behalf when it comes to Lopez. Rather, Madonna, correctly, interprets Lopez as the new generation that threatens the Old Guard. You get replaced by the generation directly behind you. Similarly, the generation behind the generation behind you is your friend (Britney!). It’s much like the saying, my enemy’s enemy is my friend. Meow Moment: Apparently these two try to avoid each other as much as possible when vacationing at the Hamptons and make it a point to not attend the same soirees. Madonna gets the better end of the stick because, unlike Lopez, she can hang with Sean P. Diddy Combs who throws some of the most lavish parties in this tony township,

Oprah v. Whoopi Goldberg: Sorry, but the black sisterhood is just not going to happen here. Two headstrong, powerful, outspoken women whom white housewives look up to. Obviously, they have much in common, being only a year apart in age, but neither is the type who looks for commonality in their female friends. Rather, each looks for support and loyalty, and people of this orientation generally are better at receiving than giving. It’s all about them. They command attention. They command fealty. Neither is very good at picking up the rear so it only follows that there could never be any reciprocity between them. Meow Moment: In 2003, Oprah threw a lavish party for poet Maya Angelou. The extravaganza took place over 3 days and had more than 150 guests in attendance. Goldberg was, very noticeably, the only black celebrity/media person to not be invited to the event.


Naomi Campbell v. Tyra Banks: Two fashion models hating each other? Surprise surprise. This is pretty predictable, so I’ll just breeze through it: In the 80s and 90s Campbell insisted that she be the only black model to walk the runway at any show she was in. At the time she was in such high demand that top designers complied. Campbell pretty much commanded the market, ensuring that up and coming black models would not get the much needed exposure and experience of prestigious catwalks. But if anyone’s ever come close to knocking her off her pedestal, it’s Banks. She was even lighter skinned and, by all accounts, much easier to work with. Today Naomi Campbell makes the papers for abusing her maids and attacking airline hostesses. Tyra Banks, on the other hand, is the star and producer of TOP MODEL, a favorite guilty pleasure for gay men the world over, as well as her own talk show.


Chuck Berry v. Keith Richards: Yes, men can be catty with one another too. The rareness of it only makes it more fascinating. Chuck Berry was Keith Richards’ childhood idol and primary influence and Richards had always credited him as such in interviews. But there was some awkwardness owing to the fact that Richards, the protégée, had surpassed the master in craftsmanship and dexterity by the time he was 40. Berry even opened up for the Rolling Stones on their early 70s North American Tour – it had never been the other way around. On one hand, Berry was proud to have such sway over a younger generation, but on the other hand he had never gotten the kind of recognition and wealth as Richards had as a member of the Stones. There was bound to be conflicted feelings on Berry’s part and this was perhaps expressed when Richards once went backstage to congratulate Berry on a show well done, only to have Berry suddenly turn around and punch him square in the face. Berry apologized, saying he didn’t recognize Richards. Another time, at an airport, Berry “accidentally” dropped a lit match down Richards’ shirt. Goodheartedly, Richards only said, “Whenever I meet the guy, I get injured somehow.” Nevertheless, Richards wanted to pay homage to the man and helped organize a tribute concert to be played and filmed in Berry’s hometown of St. Louis. The rehearsals were long and intense, as Berry basically behaved like a prima donna and refused to cooperate with anyone. Keith Richards pulled everything together, however, as an incredibly patient, skilled musical director. The show was a success and an acclaimed documentary sprung from it. In the documentary, Keith Richards casually analyzed some of Berry’s most famous songs, saying that many of them were “written in piano keys, not guitar keys” and that without those piano keys, “Voila, no song.” It didn’t take long for people to figure out that if what Keith Richards said was true, then Berry had not written the songs entirely himself but, rather, had co-written them with his piano player, Johnnie Johnson. Johnnie Johnson then sued Berry, demanding backs royalties and credit and such. Infuriated that Keith Richards’ well-meaning remarks were now the cause of heated litigation, Berry made some very nasty statements about Richards to the press. Making matters worse, Richards was slated to testify in court against his own idol. The potentially thorny situation never came about, however, as the case was thrown out of court because the statute of limitations had expired. But the damage was done. When asked about Berry now, Richards rolls his eyes and says, “I couldn’t warm up to him if I was buried next to him.”


Winona Ryder v. Gwyneth Paltrow: This one’s an old favorite. The two were once inseparable and their boyfriends, buddies Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, only made their stars burn brighter. Vogue magazine cover shots, best seats at the Isaac Mizrahi Spring Collection show, and incredibly lucrative movie contracts were standard. By all accounts, the 90s belonged to them. Then Gwyneth paid a visit to Wynona’s house and espied the SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE screenplay sitting on a dresser drawer. This was the role Wynona had been working very hard to get as it obviously was an Oscar-bound project. Gwyneth said nothing but, upon returning home, called her agent and anxiously told her about what she had just read. The part had to be hers. And so it was: Gwyneth snagged the role, for which Wynona had previously been the main contender, and then went on to win Best Actress at the Academy Awards. Their friendship would never recover.


Jennifer Aniston v. Angelina Jolie: This is the mother load. As paparazzi fare, it’s almost too good to be true. Mediocre Tv Actress marries one of Hollywood’s sexiest men in an obvious ploy to attain A-List movie respectability. Their marriage is unremarkable until world-famous Hunk of a Husband goes to shoot a romantic comedy with another A-list actor who is not only ten times sexier and ten times more talented, but is also a United Nations ambassador AND a licensed pilot AND a valiant mother of several children adopted from impoverished countries. She is basically a goddess. The intimate on-set body language between the Hunk and Goddess is the talk of the nation and the on-screen chemistry cannot be denied. When divorce papers are filed, it’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop. The ink is barely dry on the legal papers when Hunk and Goddess do a 17-page spread for W magazine. They produce beautiful offspring and adopt more Third World babies. They visit war-torn countries. Goddess is nominated for an Oscar; Hunk is nominated for an Oscar. Meow Moment: Goddess waxes poetic when she recalls in an interview how she fell in love with Hunk on the set. Mediocre Tv Actress icily tells a reporter that those remarks were “uncool.” This snarky exchange only makes the Academy Awards show more awkward as Mediocre Tv Actress has to present an award with Hunk and Goddess sitting in the front row.


Marilyn Monroe v. Jane Mansfield: Jayne Mansfield was never anything more than a poor man’s Marilyn Monroe, but that didn’t stop Marilyn Monroe from being outraged. Perhaps it was because Mansfield was several years younger? Anyway, she needn’t have worried.

Barack Obama v. Hilary Clinton: strangely unexciting despite the novelty of intergender, interracial cattiness. Anyway, Clinton’s appointment to Secretary of State was a nice peace offering. Meow Moment: the entire Democratic primary race of 2008.

Latinos v. Latinos: They all speak Spanish and the commonalities end there. Puerto Ricans are viewed by other Latinos as obnoxious divas who don’t know when to shut up and who think they’re entitled to stay in America because Puerto Rico is a U.S. territory. Cubans are viewed as self-righteous, whiny martyrs who feel entitled to stay in America because of their political refugee status. Mexicans are viewed as uneducated, bottom-feeder laborers who feel entitled to stay in America because various southwestern states once belonged to Mexico anyway.

Bill Boyes v. me and non-obese women in general: Bill Boyes was an asshole I used to work with. He was an extremely self-loathing, homosexual alcoholic who probably wasn’t really a homosexual so much as a bitter woman trapped in a man’s body. He would say things like, “Oh my god, I saw this woman at Walgreens and she had the most perfectly shaped pair of tits – not too saggy, not too big, but just the right kind of perkiness.” He would say these things not in a lustful way so much as in an envious way. Always commenting on women’s bodies as if he were Miss Universe contest judge. Predictably, he preferred to socialize with the fatter, more homely women on the floor. I was slender and attractive and it pissed him off. Meow Moment: I was eating a chocolate chip cookie at my desk when he came over and snidely said, “Careful, don’t want to get fat now.” I was like, “Fuck off, I have the metabolism of a marathon runner.” He snickered and slinked away. As a side note: he used to come to work reeking of vodka, cigarettes, and body odor, wearing the same clothes he wore the day before.